Recently #3

Recently #3

Cases of Food

Recently, I ate a 4-ounce bag of Skittles in under 5 minutes without even realizing.

Recently, I had a dream that involved calling Lady Gaga and appearing with her in concert; being chased by a lion; and having extremely crooked teeth.

Recently, I've appeared multiple times in Laura's dream wearing shoes made of meat.

Recently, I wrote the following comment card at a store:

Dear Whoever:

Bulk candy is $0.50 an ounce. This doesn't even make sense. The point of bulk is that it's cheaper. I got less than a handful of Jelly Bellies and it was almost $2.50. UNBELIEVABLE!* That's almost the biggest rip off of my life.

Thanks for listening.

And got the response:

Thanks

And that's it.

*I actually just wrote UNBELIEVE!

Recently, I replaced "JINX! You owe me a pop!" for "JINX! You owe me a BJ!"

Recently, I've lost my funny. Sorry everyone.

Miscellaneous #1

Miscellaneous #1

Replacement

(Words) Thants you for the chi'en strits an' sudary snats. Oots, I forgot natkins. You're out of natkins?!? S MY PEEN!

(Location) Ugh! It's 8:00 in the evening. I leave for Chicago at 3:00 in the morning tomorrow. I haven't started packing.

(Fate) Four soul mates for one summer isn't too many. It's just the way it is. You can't change the cards! It just happens! Learn about soul mates! YIHO.

(Goals) Teaching and brain research? F that S. Video games and bartending.

Today #18

Today #18

11:11

Today, being September 1st, 2010, is exactly one year, one month, one week, and one day from my 21st birthday. Hopefully I will wake up with a surprise in my room. Surprises may include: a murder of crows, a pack of Skittles, a slutty ghost, my first ex-soulmate, giant walking cookies, a rainbow bridge to North Dakota, or one thousand billion dollar bills and cargo pants with big pockets. Also, it was just 11:11. (Or 23:11.)

List #6

List #6
The Seven Dwarves

Stinky
Poopie
Sneezy
Scaby (like scabies)
Scrapie (like the disease)
Scrappy
Harlot

Opera #3

Opera #3

New and Improved

I guess these aren't operas, they're just songs. I just started doing this thing where I replace a word for something random. These are my golden babies:

This little sponge of mine;
I'm gonna let it shine.
This little sponge of mine;
I'm gonna let it shine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vnei94grw8k

The jigsaw shack is a little old place

where we can get together

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leohcvmf8kM

The Internet is for pron
The Internet is for pron
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRgNOyCnbqg

Don't cha wish your trollop* was just like me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riodgm3u4H4

These pretzel illusions are in my head
Did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them
Is like parting with a childhood best friend
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGJaKeYwOFo

Bean, beans, the magical fruit
The more you masturbate, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel

Let's have beans for every meal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psiPK07sXsY

California girls, we're unforgettable

Daisy dukes, potatoes on top

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kelUCEcdO8M

I wanna be a poopy bear so fuckin' bad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aRor905cCw

Freedom
Ketchup
Freedom
Ketchup

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlHUauwdv4k (ish)

Rainbow Brite

Rainbow Brite

One a penny, two a penny

Rainbow Brite

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICiYe_CRnpg

My BAPS, my BAPS

My lovely lady BAPS

Check it out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRmYfVCH2UA

*Incidentally, trollop is my new favorite word

Today #17

Today #17

Cheeri-O's

Today, being the last day of August, I'm going to share the thoughts I've been too lazy to post these last few weeks. I guess I'm kind of like an orgasm in that way. I just come out in spurts. That's disgusting. I can't believe I just said that. Want to know what else is like an orgasm? Juanita's tortilla chips. I could eat those all day.

Idea #1

Idea #1

Crime and Punishment

After I become a biochemist, I will find a way to temporarily alter certain body parts and functions. Then, I will use this as a punishment for crimes. For example: If you're caught stealing something, you'll be punished with having enormous, sausage fingers for two months. For ugly graffiti, you will be re-engineered fart loudly and with a foul odor for a whole week. For driving under the influence, you will become lactose and gluten intolerant for a year. (This one is really bad because I think drinking under the influence is one of the worst things to do ever.) If you're already lactose and gluten intolerant, you will just have really runny poop every third month. Lots of leakage.