Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Story #2

Story #2
3 Days in Heaven

You spend your whole life following the Bible, condemning homosexuals and abortion and alcohol and swearing and pagans and masturbation and happiness, and then you die. When you resume consciousness, you are in Heaven. But so are the Hendersons, who only go to church once a year for Easter. And the Donovans, who let their children dye their hair green and have only been to church a dozen times. They claim to be "agnoistic" or some New Age bullshit.

"This isn't fair," you say. "I gave my entire life serving the Lord," making sure everyone can hear that you are capitalizing Lord, even in speech, "and these half-hearted heathens get to Experience the Eternal Life of Heaven just as much?" You make sure you get in all the other capital letters, too, for good measure.

On the first day, you take your time to enjoy the wonders of Heaven. You come across a tiki bar made of bamboo among the fields of clouds and the bartender is wearing nothing but a vest and bowtie. He is selling piña coladas for smiles. You ask for a virgin piña coladas but he tells you that they don't make those in Heaven. At first you are reluctant, but then you trust that God wouldn't tempt you in Heaven. However, after your first sip, you begin to worry and put down the drink. You curtly thank the man and head off to the cafeteria. There, you find a few others to eat lunch and compare your numbers: hours spent volunteering at the church, number of heathens converted, dishes contributed to church potlucks, percent of salary donated to the church. You have the highest in every category by far.

On the second day, you walk to the beach, into an alpine meadow, across the desert, and through salt flats, ice fields, farmland, and rain forests. That night, you watch the Aurora Borealis after the most brilliant sunset you've ever seen. Or maybe it's the Aurora Australis. You're not quite sure because you don't know if Heaven has North and South.

On the third day, you schedule a meeting with God. He's pretty chill. He tells you that you should have finished the piña colada. Then he tells you that you can do whatever, really. Skateboarding or making some ceramic bowls or reading comic books; it's up to you. So you do all of those things and enjoy yourself.

At the end of the third day, you are very happy and content and are looking forward to an eternity in this place. You're still pretty bitter that almost everyone gets in and a little upset that God is telling you that everyone is equal and deserves to be loved, but figure you'll convince him otherwise in the morning. And then everything around you melts away.

Panicking, you look around a see a man wearing a long coat standing a few feet away. You ask him what's going on and he tells you that you are only allowed in Heaven for three days. Then they have to move you somewhere or else things would get too crowded. You spend the rest of eternity in Limbo--or some place like it--and think back to your boring life and the three days it led up to. Three magnificent days filled with freedom and fun which you will never again get to experience.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Scenario #2

Scenario #2
It's Raining Men

We are walking outside in front of Burton-Judson Courts to go to dinner at the South Campus Dining Hall. The sky is overcast and we hear the oncoming sound of a helicopter. This is not uncommon, as we leave near a hospital. I feel a drop of liquid on my head and say aloud, "Oh! I think it's starting to rain." Instinctively, I touch the spot on my head where the liquid fell. When I look at my hand, however, I see that the spot is all red. A few more drops fall from the sky and wet the ground, and when we look at the drops on the sidewalk, we see that they are also red.

Suddenly, a large object falls out of the sky at an alarming speed and smashed into the ground. Red liquid bursts everywhere and there is an audible crunch. A group of girls walking opposite us huddle together and scream at the sight of the obliterated corpse of a man on the sidewalk, ten feet in front of them. Behind us, we hear another loud crack and turn to see another body. And then to our left, another body falls, and then two more in the same general area, all safely avoiding the terrified onlookers. There is much screaming, and much blood everywhere, but I can't help but humming to myself, "It's raining men. Hallelujah, it's raining men! Amen!"

List #3
My New Friends

-Mister Baldie
-Miss Tootsie
-Misses Tootsie
-Señor Bigsby
-Bigsby Junior
-Mister Wombat
-Mister Winkie
-Mister Tensies

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Today #8

Today #8
Man Spends a Quarter of a Day in Kitchen

Today, being the Saturday of 7th week, I spent 6 hours in the kitchen (7:00pm to 1:00am). In fact, I am in the kitchen as I am writing this. What was made:

-fresh pasta with basic white sauce
-cinnamon rolls
-the crust of what will soon be apple-cranberry galettes

It seems like three things should not take six hours to make (including cleaning time and waiting time and eating time), but it did. Which brings me to my next point of business:

List #2
Things That Should Not Take Six Hours

-a blowjob (unless it's with Hugh Jackman)
-pooping (unless you're dying as you defecate)
-taking out the trash (unless you're actually having an affair)
-thinking of what should not take six hours (unless you're me)
-a staring contest (unless both parties are REALLY good at not blinking, such as two posters on opposite sides of the room)
-tying your shoes (unless you've had too much to drink)
-building a city (unless it's with LEGO)
-a hug (unless you can't let go because you're tied up)