Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Question #2

Question #2
To Pleat Or Not To Pleat

Are pleated pants ugly? I kind of like them, but Sassy Gay Friend (0:49) disapproves. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF?

Question #3
Oh, Those Stinky Romans

This question comes from my brother John. Do you think the ancient Romans (or whoever) thought farts and fart jokes were funny? I mean really, what're funnier than farts? Farts will always be funny, and if you don't think so, I don't think we should be friends. Seriously--to this day, I often laugh when I fart in the bathroom.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Recipe #4

Yeah, I'm writing three posts in a row. Just pretend I wrote these over the course of the last year when I didn't write anything.

Recipe #4
Panini the Great

I made these for lunch today. Kaitlin and Claire are their creator, or at least, they showed me how to make them.

Get a ciabatta or any kind of tasty bread. Slice it so that it's like a sandwich but with nothing in the middle. Duh.

Get some prosciutto (it's this really thinly sliced meat that's salty) and put it on a hot pan so that it fries a little bit. Put some oil on the pan if you're afraid it will stick. It's pretty oily already, though, so you might not need more.

Put the prosciutto on one of the ciabatta slices. Put cream cheese on the other ciabatta slice and then put a little bit of sliced tomato on top of the cream cheese and then put a little bit of fresh basil on top of the tomato.

Close the panini. Panini is the plural and panino is technically the singular. It's Italian. Other examples of this is biscotti/biscotto and gelati/gelato. I thought cappuccino/cappuccini would be one too, but I can't confirm this on the Internet. This is List #6.5 Italian Bologna. Apparently, panino is just sandwich, generally, in Italian. I guess this food isn't necessarily a panino. It could just be a sandwich. Also, panino sounds pretentious.

Put some oil on the pan, heat it, and then put the panini on the hot oil to toast it. Flip it over when it's toasted to toast the other side.

Then, throw it in the garbage. You shouldn't be consuming that many calories.

Thoughts #5

Thoughts #5
Everything Stints

Damn, stuff just isn't as cool the longer it exists. Okay, I guess that's not completely true, but it is a lot of the time. The exception, of course, is cheese, which I've never actually experienced first hand. How do I know that I will like cheese more when it is aged?

This blog is a perfect example of what I mean. First posts: Great. Now posts: Too refined and overworked. I feel like a stinky adult trying to draw little kid pictures. You know that they're supposed to look like little kid pictures, but they don't. They just look stupid.

Also, Christmas. I used to love Christmas. Now, I hate it. ELVES ARE SLAVES! FREE THE ELVES!

In fact, I'll make a

List #7
Moldy Cheese and Exceptions

(-) means worse, (+) means better; w.r.t. time

-blogs and journals (as above)
+cheese (as above)
-Christmas (as above)
-my cat Rhinoceros
+gummy candy
+my family and friends (AWWWW, HOW CUTE)
-jokes and stories
-our country (but, actually, this is probably a +)
-important things
+the little things
-moldy cheese

Actually, there are a lot more (+) than I thought. Like, a lot more. I guess I'm just full of shit sometimes.

Really, I guess, it depends on your aim. Remakes of games (e.g. Bioshock 2 vs Bioshock) often have more refined game play (a +), which is great. However, the quality of the story and feel generally decreases (a -). Spin offs are another big no.

Question #1

Question #1
Your Hair Is Everywhere

Why am I so drawn to cutting hair? There's little I like more than sinking a slightly dulled paired of scissors into my luscious locks. I'm having an affair, and it is with all the Mr. Baldies in my life. The patches on my head where I cut off a little too much. You've seen them: the clump of bang on the right side of my head that's half an inch shorter than the rest of my hair, the spot behind my head where you can see some scalp. There have never been finer beings.

This degree of pleasure I get from this doesn't surprise me one bit. It's just so refreshing--having hair, deciding it needs to be cut, and then having it all gone half an hour later. There have been times in my life where, in the middle of having guest over, I excuse myself to the bathroom and cut off all my hair.

It's immensely satisfying to clean up all the bits of hair on the sink and floor. It's fun to see how differently it styles depending on its length, though slightly frustrating how fickle it is as it grows. Once it's grown out a little and all the bald spots disappear, there is usually a two week period where it looks just divine. Then, have the urge to get out the scissors and chop it off again.

Really, it's a pretty big decision, cutting your hair. Hair, in my opinion, completely changes a person's look. However, it's one thing that I can be impulsive about but easily recover from when things go poorly. If you know me, you know I love the impulses: $80 on fancy underwear, tattooing myself, switching majors to computer science, getting an exotic piercing, pursuing game design, pushing tourists down wells. These are all probably things I should think about for longer than 5 minutes, but I usually don't.

It gives me the same satisfaction as picking a scab. The more I touch it, the worse it will be and the longer I will take to recover it, but I just can't stop. Maybe there's some decay in my brain that causes it. Let's hope so.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Thoughts #4

Thoughts #4
RTFM, Pavlov

Okay, first, I hate when pop culture references things. Things like psychology and science. I especially hate it when the common stuff is used. I've heard "Pavlov's dog" used way too many times outside a psychology classroom. I'm all for the general public learning about science, I just hate all those clichéd analogies and half understood theories used to explain bogus philosophical claims. Oh, and stop talking about evolution like it's a person. Evolution doesn't "want" anything, it just happens. Learn science; it's actually pretty neat.

Really though, I want to talk about The Reward System and Me. Namely, I don't think have a reward system in my brain anymore. Some people are all, "I'll eat a chocolate if I finish reading 10 pages," or "If I do NaNoWriMo, I'll buy myself these really cool quartz eyelets," but me, I'm like, "No, I want everything right now, and I'm going to give it to myself." I think it's because I stopped having goals. Or because I get everything I want.

If you stop reading there, I probs sound like a spoiled brat. And maybe I am. I get everything I want because I don't want a lot. And if at first I want something, and realize I can't have it (because he's straight, or it's too expensive, or my getting it would hurt someone else), then I convince myself I don't really want it any more.

But yeah, how do I fix this? I feel like it's cramping my style.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Recently #4

Recently #4
Too Looooooooooong

Ugh, I hate long posts. Mostly because I know that if I came across a post like that, I would never read it. The thing is, I never mean for them to be long. And really, they aren't that long. They just seem like they are.

So anyway, here is a shorty:


One of my favorite bodily sensations is the feeling of earwax falling out of my ear.

When I installed the newest version of Ubuntu, it disabled by touchpad configuration for some reason, and now I can't turn off the tap-to-click function. This is super annoying, because it always moves my cursor when I'm typing or doing whatever because I accidentally touch the pad with my palm. So annoying!

Also recently, I took Benadryl because I'm allergic to something and I went CRAZY. I felt like I was David at the dentist (which, incidentally, is a video I hate). Thanks Samantha.

Dream #2

Dream #2
Felt Owls

Recently, I've been having a lot of really fantastic dreams. Like, literally, I'll have several every night and they're all really good. I had three last night, and one of them I like in particular, so I'll summarize the bits I can remember. I've added a few details to make it a better story and make more sense. Take note that are no words in this dream; the characters speak in pantomime.

The dream starts out following a felt owl that lives in the sea. We'll call him Mowl. He's a little lonely, even though he's surrounded by other felt owls in his community. One day, overcome by loneliness, he takes a walk and comes upon a junkyard. Wandering the isles of junk, he finds another felt owl, sitting against a pile or trash, who we'll call Kowl. This felt owl looks tired, worn down, and just about lifeless, holding on to a single piece of candy. Mowl, seeing this as an opportunity for a new friend and approaches. He leads Kowl back into town, yet after a few days, there is still no light in Kowl's eyes. Remembering the piece of candy Kowl held on the day they met, Mowl builds Kowl a candy factory in hopes to give his life new purpose.

This restores Kowl, and he takes up well to the factory, but he soon becomes obsessed with his work. Mowl comes to visit him one day, but Kowl barely raises his head from his work, his mind entirely consumed and his body running through precise, calculated motions. All he can do is offer Mowl a small piece of candy, which Mowl drops by mistake. Kowl becomes irrationally upset by this, so Mowl leaves. However, on his way out, he sees another owl watching from a nearby window overlooking the factory floor. It is a female owl that we will call Yowl.

Though she is completely rigid and motionless, it is her eyes that disturb Mowl the most. They seem blank, as though she is nothing but an empty shell of an owl that has taken on an infatuation to Kowl. Mowl decides to investigate and finds his suspicions are true. She is completely unaware by Mowl's presence, staring unwaveringly at Kowl. He notices a piece of candy in her hand, and takes it in hopes that it will bring her to her senses. However, as he does this, both Kowl and Yowl turn to him, rage in their eyes. They begin to chase him, their minds lost.

Fleeing, Mowl knows he cannot yield to them. Something is terribly sinister abound, and he cannot let it continue. By handing over the candy, Kowl would continue to slave away without pause, consumed by his work, and Yowl would stand forever lifeless at the window, watching Kowl. He had to fix what he had created. So he ran and ran, and they chased and chased. All across the city, through the coral and across the rocks. They climbed ledges and floated across kelp until finally, they came upon a cliff. Nowhere else to run, Mowl jumps off the cliff and uses his wings to slow his fall. Kowl and Yowl follow, but in their distorted states, they are unable to use their wings and fall to their death. Mowl soon reaches the sea floor where the two other felt owls lay and looks at them. His eyes incredibly sad, he drops the piece of candy by their feet and returns home.

The dream ends with complete darkness. Painted images flash into view, depicting what their lives could have been. A song plays over the pictures, a sweet female voice narrating this sentiment. About what was lost and the wonderful life that could have been lived instead. About a friendship and a romance and happy endings. And then I wake up.

And to conclude, I just wanted to point out a few things. First, I think this all occurred underwater because I'm playing World of Warcraft: Cataclysm, and the area I'm currently in is all underwater. Second, I seem to have a lot of dreams involving junkyards (a lot meaning more than one) and they are based off the junkyard in Legend of Mana. Third, I apparently can compose fantastic, emotional music in my sleep.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Yesterday #4

Yesterday #4

Yesterday, I flew into Seattle from Chicago. The flight was 4 hours and 11 minutes. On the plane, they played an episode of The Office, and then Eat, Pray, Love, and then an episode of House. Interestingly, I had seen both the TV episodes they showed, even though I rarely watch the shows. In fact, I have probably seen fewer than 10 episodes each.

Samantha/Amanda Shamanga/Panamuia picked me up form the aero-port. What a sweetie. We then went to Patrick's house for a holiday party. At the holiday party there were many delicious edible food substances, including Buttery/Cocoa Whatevers that were DELICIOUS! I plan on submitting them to WikiLeaks (which, incidentally, is my favorite thing on the planet).

There was a baby with as at the party and I called it Zabia. It's pronounced zu-BEE-uh, so I guess it's spelled Zabía. "Baby be judging." It's the truth, babies judge you all the time. They just sit there and stare and point and think judgmental things in their little heads. Baby sees what you are doing and does not approve.

We also made a toast to zoobies. However, I accidentally tipped Amanda's cup, and she choked, so I laughed and the liquid went down the wrong tube and it hurt very much. I'm not sure whether to now love zoobies or hate them. Turns out, zoobies are actually something. The Internet says, "Zoobies are award-winning plush animals that turn into pillows and blankets". I WANT ONE. But those aren't the zoobies we toasted to. The zoobies we toasted to are separate.

We made up a game that I want to play. Eavesdrop on people's conversations, and then answer all their rhetorical questions in secret and respond do their statements, also in secret (ideally with a friend).


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Miscellaneous #2

Miscellaneous #2
Sign Language for Pahlo

Pahlo my pahlo and I are in sign language, and we have made up a few of our own signs for the following.

S my D
the buttseck

There aren't that many yet and they're not that clever, but we're working on it.

Also, because "pahlo" is confusing to some people:

Pahlo (Breseida) is Pahlo
I am Pahlo
We are only Pahlo to each other, but sometimes other people call us Pahlo
pahlo means friend, generally, as well, but only in sometimes
We have children and they are our pahlitos
We say "Pahlo, my pahlo", which is also "Pahlo, my Pahlo", which is basically just saying Pahlo with extra affection. It's also sometimes "pahlomypahlo"
HOWEVER, and Pahlo thought of this, it's funny to think about "pahlo my pahlo" as "(verb) my (noun)" instead of "(name), my (noun)" / "(name), my (name)"
"pahlo my pahlo" in the "(verb) my (noun)" sense sounds dirty; it's basically S my D and L my C and all of that mixed together

So I guess we also have

pahlo my pahlo

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Recently #3

Recently #3
Cases of Food

Recently, I ate a 4-ounce bag of Skittles in under 5 minutes without even realizing.

Recently, I had a dream that involved calling Lady Gaga and appearing with her in concert; being chased by a lion; and having extremely crooked teeth.

Recently, I've appeared multiple times in Laura's dream wearing shoes made of meat.

Recently, I wrote the following comment card at a store:

Dear Whoever:
Bulk candy is $0.50 an ounce. This doesn't even make sense. The point of bulk is that it's cheaper. I got less than a handful of Jelly Bellies and it was almost $2.50. UNBELIEVABLE!* That's almost the biggest rip off of my life.
Thanks for listening.

And got the response:


And that's it.

*I actually just wrote UNBELIEVE!

Recently, I replaced "JINX! You owe me a pop!" for "JINX! You owe me a BJ!"

Recently, I've lost my funny. Sorry everyone.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Miscellaneous #1

Miscellaneous #1

(Words) Thants you for the chi'en strits an' sudary snats. Oots, I forgot natkins. You're out of natkins?!? S MY PEEN!

(Location) Ugh! It's 8:00 in the evening. I leave for Chicago at 3:00 in the morning tomorrow. I haven't started packing.

(Fate) Four soul mates for one summer isn't too many. It's just the way it is. You can't change the cards! It just happens! Learn about soul mates! YIHO.

(Goals) Teaching and brain research? F that S. Video games and bartending.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Today #18

Today #18

Today, being September 1st, 2010, is exactly one year, one month, one week, and one day from my 21st birthday. Hopefully I will wake up with a surprise in my room. Surprises may include: a murder of crows, a pack of Skittles, a slutty ghost, my first ex-soulmate, giant walking cookies, a rainbow bridge to North Dakota, or one thousand billion dollar bills and cargo pants with big pockets. Also, it was just 11:11. (Or 23:11.)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

List #6

List #6
The Seven Dwarves

Scaby (like scabies)
Scrapie (like the disease)

Opera #3

Opera #3
New and Improved

I guess these aren't operas, they're just songs. I just started doing this thing where I replace a word for something random. These are my golden babies:

This little sponge of mine;
I'm gonna let it shine.
This little sponge of mine;
I'm gonna let it shine.

The jigsaw shack is a little old place
where we can get together

The Internet is for pron
The Internet is for pron

Don't cha wish your trollop* was just like me?

These pretzel illusions are in my head
Did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them
Is like parting with a childhood best friend

Bean, beans, the magical fruit
The more you masturbate, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
Let's have beans for every meal

California girls, we're unforgettable
Daisy dukes, potatoes on top

I wanna be a poopy bear so fuckin' bad

Ketchup (ish)

Rainbow Brite
Rainbow Brite
One a penny, two a penny
Rainbow Brite

My lovely lady BAPS
Check it out

*Incidentally, trollop is my new favorite word

Today #17

Today #17

Today, being the last day of August, I'm going to share the thoughts I've been too lazy to post these last few weeks. I guess I'm kind of like an orgasm in that way. I just come out in spurts. That's disgusting. I can't believe I just said that. Want to know what else is like an orgasm? Juanita's tortilla chips. I could eat those all day.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Idea #1

Idea #1
Crime and Punishment

After I become a biochemist, I will find a way to temporarily alter certain body parts and functions. Then, I will use this as a punishment for crimes. For example: If you're caught stealing something, you'll be punished with having enormous, sausage fingers for two months. For ugly graffiti, you will be re-engineered fart loudly and with a foul odor for a whole week. For driving under the influence, you will become lactose and gluten intolerant for a year. (This one is really bad because I think drinking under the influence is one of the worst things to do ever.) If you're already lactose and gluten intolerant, you will just have really runny poop every third month. Lots of leakage.

Recipe #3

Recipe #3
Pesto Rolls

Dough (adapted from the Moscow Food Co-op website)

1 1/4 cups water
1 cup of milk
1 tbsp honey
1/2 tbsp yeast
2 tsp salt
1 tbsp melted butter
5 1/2 cups flour

Put the milk and water in a heatproof bowl or measuring cup and heat in the microwave until very warm to the touch. Pour into a bowl and add yeast and honey. Stir until yeast is dissolved and let sit for about five minutes, or not. Add the salt and the butter, stir. Add flour and mix until combined. Remove from bowl and place on floured surface. Kneed for five to ten minutes, adding flour as you go. Don't add too much, as most people do--the dough should be very soft and moist, but should not stick to your hand when squeezed. Don't make it too dry! Place into bowl and cover. Let sit for ten minutes to an hour or longer, depending on how much you want. You don't even have to let it rise if you don't have time, you just won't have as much dough.

Pesto (adapted from the book, Pestos!)

2 cups fresh basil
2 cloves garlic or more
1/4 cup pine nuts
1/2 cup parmesan cheese
1/4 cup olive oil
salt and pepper

Put all ingredients into a food processor and chop until it's a fine paste. Add water until paste is the consistency you want. Taste and adjust ingredients as needed.

Pesto Rolls

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Line two baking sheets with wax paper. Roll out dough into a large rectangle on floored surface, about 9 inches by 13 inches or how ever big you want. Spread the pesto all over, like you would spread the cinnamon all over cinnamon rolls. Top the pesto with some more parmesan cheese. Roll up the rectangle of dough like you would a jelly roll (or cinnamon rolls). Cut and place on baking sheets. Sprinkle a little cheese on top if you want. Bake for about 25-30 minutes, until the tops are starting to brown. Remove and let cool. THEN DEVOUR!!!!

Today #16

Today #16
A Pretty Cool Day

Today, being the day my GB Lindsay came into town, was a fun day and a silly day. In fact, I woke up to her phone call, and we made plans to make pesto rolls for lunch. Her friend Mike from school was visiting. I like him; he's funny. Although, Mandy Funagus (?) didn't like the band he was wearing on his shirt.

We got together to make pesto rolls--because we always used to go to the CO-OP to get pesto rolls--and they were delicious. Better than the ones at the CO-OP. See Recipe #3 for details. We made lots of sillies in the kitchen. Lots of Dulcine smiles.

Then I went to work with Mandy Fanugus (?). There were a lot of books--too many books. We also made many sillies. We have a candy drawer at work, and there is a lady that works right next to it, and we think that she silently judges us every time we go back to get candy because we go about five times a day. She's the troll that guards the treasure. But actually, she's really nice. It's just fun to pretend.

We went to get ice cream for our break, because on Thursdays, Licks Unlimited sells delicious scoops for only one American dollar. I got maple nut, which had walnuts. I do love nuts. Except, there was too much walnut. We created a new name for me, which is Lil' Porky, or Mizz Lil' Porky if you're Mandi. There's a sign outside Licks that says, "Who needs Disneyland? You've got Licks Unlimited!" but at first, I thought it said, "Who needs Disneyland? Get fat!" (Mandi: This is what I couldn't remember earlier.)

I had a great idea at work, and the idea is listed in Idea #1.

After work, I hung out with Lindsay and Mike some more. We went to a kool pool party hosted by the orthodontist of Pullman/Moscow. They threw frozen shirts at the ground to try to break them open and put them on. The prize was a $20 gift card. It was chaos! Three bros (figurative, not literal) won, and they looked really into it. Then, we went to the Daily Grind and it was a party for Lindsay. There were a lot of human beans. T-Money and Owen got Pokémon tattoos of Koffing and Charmander respectively. They were some of the coolest tattoos I've seen. If I were to get one, I might get Jigglypuff (old fav) or Dragonair (new fav).

Finally, we all went to Colfax to explore an abandoned building. I'm not positive, but I think it used to be an orphanage for disabled kids. Super creepy. We made it to the roof, and I peed off the edge. It was one tall building. We checked out all the floors, and in the basement, we found a super cool dirt crawlspace, but didn't pursue. In one of the rooms, we set up a wheelchair with a broken crutch, a mirror, a first aid kit, an old record player, some police line caution tape, a teacup, and a little doll. Right in the middle. It was a bit cheesy in the end. Perhaps we should have left it at the doll and the wheelchair. I hope I didn't inhale some asbestos. I should take some Vitamin W(eird) just in case.

(PS: This actually happened on Thursday, but I left for my family vacation so I couldn't post it. We're in western Washington. NEAR FORKS, WA!!!!)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Story #3

Real story this time. Nothing new--I'm just moving it from my Facebook.

Story #3
Condom from David Sedaris

It is Thursday evening and my brother John asks me if I have heard of David Sedaris. "Of course," I reply, after which he tells me that Mr. Sedaris will be speaking in Spokane this Saturday at 2:00 pm. I am scheduled for work this Saturday from 12:30 pm to 5:00 pm.

It is Friday afternoon and I am at work. I asked my brother Brendan to call the bookstore that is hosting the event to see whether there are any tickets left. He calls me back to tell me that they are sold out. I am currently straightening the 780's in adult nonfiction.

It is Friday evening and I am contemplating whether I should go. I have read only one of Sedaris' essays and heard only a few more on This American Life. I want to go. I decide that sold-out tickets are not a good enough reason to stop me from listening to David Sedaris.

It is Saturday morning and my brothers and I leave for Spokane.

It is Saturday afternoon and I am sitting near the front row, watching David Sedaris speak. He talks about breast milk and about Nicaragua. In my hand, I hold an orange ticket that was given to me for free with the number 281 written on it. This is the number in line I have to get a signing.

It is still Saturday afternoon and I am given a condom by Mr. Sedaris. I am currently holding a different orange ticket, given to me by my brothers, given to them by a stranger exiting the room. On it is the number 31.

It is moments before I acquire the condom. As we are speaking, he is signing two books. One belongs to Neill Public Library and the other I will give to my co-worker Laura, the one who traded shifts with me so I that could come. I think autographed books are silly, so I don't have one signed for myself. I want to tell him about my entire life, but instead, I just tell him about each of the two books.

"How old are you?" he asks.

"18," I reply.

"So are you in high school or college?" he asks, and I tell him that I will be going to the University of Chicago this fall. "That's where fun goes to die," he says. "It is!" I say.

"Before you go to the University of Chicago--" he says as he reaches into his bag. I am hoping he will give me a special pass to meet Ira Glass at the Chicago Public Radio station, but instead, he pulls out a strip of condoms. He finishes his thought as he rips one off, but I can't entirely make out what it is he says. I do, however, hear the phrases, "I don't want to be responsible," "some poor virgin," and "in the ass." I thank him, and then I leave. I don't question why he has so many condoms in his bag.

It is Saturday night and I think that David Sedaris has told me to have butt sex before leaving for Chicago.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Dream #1

Dream #1
Recursive, but also 2 and 3

I just found a scrap of paper I wrote a dream on. I thought it was relevant with the recent release of my new favorite movie Inception.

24 April, 2010
Slightly strange:
Two kids slept on my floor the other night, and that night I woke up from a dream that I was having within another dream. Conscious that I had just woken from a dream, I thought it was real life, so I was really confused to realize the kids weren't on my floor anymore. Then I actually woke up and wasn't confused anymore.

My dreams have been really stinky lately. Like last night, I dreamed I was in my house but it was infested by these deadly rats with three foot long, poisonous, barbed tongues that shot at 20 miles per hour. I was really excited because I kill one by stepping on it with a stiletto, but then the evil female scientist that I told laughed because it was only a juvenile rat. Then, the rest of the pack (who lived in the closet that I currently sleep next to) started to chase me up the stairs and across the house and then I woke up right as they were all about to kill me with their tongues. I felt really uncomfortable when I woke up so I closed all the windows and doors in my house.

The night before, I invented a game in my dream. It was the challenge the captains had to do to get the list for ScavHunt. It was in my old church and there were these shapes cut out of green and red construction paper. The red ones were related to viruses and the green ones were related to protection. You had to run to all the rooms and pick up the pieces of paper. Then, when you say someone else, you'd have to tag them with one of the virus papers, and if they didn't have a protection paper, they'd have to freeze or something. I don't remember the puzzle we had to figure out during the game to get the list. I think it had something to do with unscrambling words that were written in each of the rooms.

Actually, those dreams aren't too shabby. Did I tell you the dream I had that was a movie? It had a really sad plot and a bittersweet ending with a voice over and a pan out and fade to black.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Goal #1

Goal #1

It is my new goal in life to, at some point, ride in the pouch of a marsupial. I'm not quite sure how it will work since marsupials are all quite smaller than I. I suppose it doesn't have to be a marsupial's pouch. Maybe just a marsupial-like pouch.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Today #15

Today #15
Edit #9

Today, being Midsmmers, I edited my entire blog. I went through every post and made some sort of change. Took out the shit. Edited the shit. Added the shit. It seems wrong in some way--editing your blog--but so does the smell of gasoline, but we still all steal a whiff. So does farting. And everybody farts.

Scenario #3

Scenario #3
Slappy Hands

Late and mostly forgotten. Here is the Swiss cheese of the story that is left.

I walk up to a boy to whom I have never once spoken and slap him across the face. Unfortunately for me, this boy's dad works for the IRS. The boy calls his dad at the IRS and says to him, "Dad. Some rando just slapped me across the face for no reason and now he won't apologize. You know what to do." In a matter of seconds, a fleet of helicopters fly over the dining hall we are in. They blow a hole in the ceiling with missiles, and a princess with a microphone descends from a rope latter and says to me, her hair blowing wildly in the helicopter's wake, "PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! PUT YOUR SLAPPY HANDS IN THE AIR!" So I do.

I forget what happens after that, so I'll make it up now.

She then tells me to apologize, but I'm not sorry so I don't apologize. Instead, I run for the window and jump out, breaking through the glass and rolling onto the ground below. However, it's against the roles to throw anything out of a window, including yourself. So Jim Wessel the Administrator appears (he appears with magic because he is a magical wizard) (he is in a blue cloak and pointed hat) and says to me, "Nicholas, you can't throw anything out of a window, including yourself." So I get kicked out of housing. I take the Green Line to downtown Chicago and do handstands for money. However, I do the handstands for too long and burst all sorts of capillaries in my brain. This costs me the ability to pronounce my G's and also causes my left eye to blink at a rate of 40 blinks per minute. I make friends with a street musician who uses my left eye as a metronome, and with the money we make, I buy a indigo-purple sleeping bag and go to bed. I wake up hungry for the next few weeks day because I refuse to eat. Our only source of food is pigeons and I hate pigeons. So I starve to death. There is a beautiful sunset that day. The sky is golden, without red or orange or pink.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Thoughts #3

Thoughts #3

Be wild.
If a mountain lion were to come up to you, what sounds would you make to scare it away? Would you sound like a fool? I think so. That is why we all need to practice our wild faces and our wild noises but not our wild appetites. Those are too wild already. I plan on going into a field and practicing sometimes myself.

My cat Rhino ate a bat. I read the Internet, and we should get him checked for rabies. I know chances are low, but this could be really serious. Rabies are not funny. Nor is hoarding.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Nameless #2

Nameless #2
Freud Was an Idiot

It's about time for a Freudian slip.

Today #14

Today, being the same day as Nameless #2, there was a Freudian slip. It was when I called Miel (Navi and Zora's dog), Rhinoceros (who is my cat).

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Nameless #1

Nameless #1
No Name

Last post: Two months ago today.

Nothing to calm an uneasy mind like a thunderstorm. I've got to admit, I love thunderstorms in the Palouse, but here in Chicago they are so much bigger. Brighter lightning. Louder thunder. More of both in general. And earlier, the clouds were really pretty too, also on par with the Palouse sky.

PS: The sun was looking backwards on Sunday, and I told Pahlo and co., "Pahlo and co., you all are a big bunch of hoes. My mom says that when the light looks like this, the sun is looking backwards (like you do in doggie style), and it means it's going to rain tomorrow." And then they all chided me and said I was full of it. BUT THEN IT RAINED ON MONDAY. Like it is raining now. The sun looking backwards is my favorite thing ever.

I couldn't go to bed last night because ideas kept popping into my head. I would turn off the lights, try going to bed, and then I'd get another idea so I'd have to get up, turn on the lights, write down the idea, and repeat the whole process. For every thought. I ended up filling a notecard, and I will share it with you here.

Bread pudding [written in normal text and in Grade 1 Braille]
House trip: Piercer?
Learn to suspend myself on poles and posts [diagram included]
Circus + parkour workout group?
Circus on 2014 forum: Firespinners, Acrobats, Stiltwalkers
Links: staff, poi, Full moon J, how to make
(Art?) Project: Get to know a human being
Find and compile little facts about people
Profiles? Eye color (picture), handwriting (sample), skill (e.g. Braille), ...
Q&A 1st and 3rd Tuesday: Social, 2nd and 4th: Political
Movie Nite: Gremlins, Ferngully
Saw a firefly for the first time today--100x better than I ever imagined

Friday, April 2, 2010

Today #13

Today #13
Good Friday

Today, being Good Friday or some shit, I missed breakfast, had fruit, rice, and beans for lunch, and then some fruit and rice milk for dinner. I enjoy being vegan some days. But after my watermelon, oranges, and pineapple, someone mentioned that it was Good Friday. Which means you're especially not supposed to eat meat. I then realized I hadn't had meat today, so to be blasphemous I went and got some rice and chicken even though I was already full.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

List #5

List #5
Things That I Particularly Love Right Now

-Having dessert for all three meals
-Total cereal with yogurt bits
-Leaving the windows open during summer storms in the Palouse
-Limbs falling asleep
-Gestures of greeting (shaking hands, kissing on the cheek)
-Legion of Draconis
-Armed Aggression

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Poem #4

Poem #4
By: Nicholas Cassleman

Had some wine
Then paid a dime
To get the time
From a homeless mime

"Homeless mime," said I to him,
"Why not the mouth and just the limb?"

"..." yelled out the mime
With hair of grime,
Then pranced away
Toward the end of May

The end.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Thoughts #2

Thoughts #2

We're fat. We're awkward. We complain all the time.
We're over-privileged. We avoid everything unpleasant.
Let's make things harder for ourselves.
Talk to the weird kid. Whip cream by hand. Refuse to listen to your favorite music.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Today #12

Today #12
Highlights of an Evening with Tommy Wiseau

Today, being also the 12th of February, I watched The Room in theaters; followed by a question and answer session with the director (whose name I always misspell), Tommy Wiseau; followed by a group picture and autograph. I will compile a list but will not title the post as a List.

-We all sang an abridged birthday to Mr. B (21/"F you Tommy"), whose present was to be flipped upside down on stage by Tommy Wiseau
-Tommy Wiseau took his shirt 20% of the way off
-Too-drunk-to-know-what-to-do girl put hands down Tommy Wiseau's pants/belts
-Tommy Wiseau wore 7 belts
-Tommy Wiseau left in the middle of autographs to play football and was almost hit by a car as the extremely attractive General Manager informed us
-I bought confetti and party blowers for Johnny's surprise party
-I had to explain to Tommy Wiseau how to spell Mandi Fungus, which is now "Mandy Fanugus ?" on the signed poster
-Tommy Wiseau did not actually answer any of the questions asked
-We did not win Tommy Wiseau's Ethnic Bingo

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Today #11

Today #11

Today, being the day where my mind and emotions explode,

Emotional trajectory for today: -cos(x), x = [0, 7*pi]
Graph: Intensity vs time (weeks): sqrt(5) - sqrt(5 - x) (5 weeks = 2.77778 months in Nicholas Standard Time)
(Although, 1 week (NST) ago, the function looked like sqrt(4) - sqrt(4 - x))
Finished the fort!* It still needs furnishing, but whatevs. I've starting decorating the walls.
*Entails draping a bed sheet over it, held up by removable wall hooks.


PS: Definitely fell over as I was putting the roof on the fort. Fell right on my head. Literally!, and not Joe Biden literally. I hope I didn't wake anyone up; it made a bit of a racket. I'm 90% sure I don't have a concussion.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

List #4

List #4
Words I Had to Teach My Phone (Abridged)

Avatar, balsamic, barf, bastard, biotch, bitches, blegh, boner, boob, boobies, booger, bummed, clit, constipation, cumming, curd, damn, dick, dokey, douche, drat, duper, Eileenular, Facebook, farted, farting, FFSKHMCBC, fiesta, fuck, fucked, fucker, fuckers, gack, galette, gyro, hotties, hurray, lentil, meringue, Methuselah, negatory, nerdy, NPL, okey, OMFG, oopsy, ovary, penis, phew, pissed, pissing, podcasts, pokey, pooped, puss, sassy, schizophrenic, semen, shit, shitty, slut, slutty, Ubuntu, UChicago, vaginas, Warcraft, whoops, Wikipedia, yay, yikes, yuck

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Thoughts #1

Thoughts #1

Blah blah blah, angst angst angst.

I used to have the coolest MySpace ever. I drew everything and scanned it into the computer and then put into a custom format. I'd put clever pictures with obscure meaning and write in Braille. I used to think I was hot shit. But now I find it funny. Those times in my life will account to nothing.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Last Night #2

Last Night #2
Now Why On Earth Would I Do That?: A Title Longer Than Its Post

Last night, I cut off all my hair.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Opera #2

Opera #2

It's delicious and nutricious,
Delicious and nutricious,
It's so delicious and nutritious.
It's delicious and nutritious,
it is delicious and nutritious,
Nutritious and delicious:
It's oatmeal!
Delicious and nutritious,
Oatmeal is so delicious and nutritious,
Oatmeal is so delicious,
It is so nutritious.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Yesterday #3

Yesterday #3

After coming back from winter break, I remembered that I did not wash my sheets or towels before leaving. I put them in the washer (they almost didn't fit) and when they were done, I put them in the dryer. After paying for the load, I looked at the timer and saw that my clothes had 60 minutes left to dry. For whatever reason, I just stood there and watched my wet sheets rubbing against the plastic, leaving trails of slightly soapy water. Then, before I knew it, the timer said I only had 58 left. Two minutes had gone by. That is 1/30 of an hour, which is 1/24 of a day, which is 1/365 of a year (thus, 2 minutes is approximately 1/262800 of a year).

This may not seem like a lot, but that's only two minutes! Three minutes is 1/175200 of a year, and four minutes is 1/131400. That may seem small, but it's only four minutes! Think about how many four minutes there are! That's so many 1/131400 of my lives wasted!

So I was standing there, having this existential crisis, and I call Mandi to explain to her that every second that we are doing something, it is a second we are closer to the moment we die. Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I mean, death is whatever. It just means that I have one second less to give people hugs or eat candy or make pasta. And that's a bit sad I guess. But I will have given many hugs and eaten lots of candy and made lots of pasta before I will have died, so maybe it's not that sad.


PS: There were a bunch of dead flies on the ground and water dripping from my washing machine. Signs of my decaying youth?

Incidentally, my things were not dry when I took them out of the drier and had to pay for a whole other hour of drying, and even then, the towels were still wet.