Thursday, December 31, 2009

Today #10

Today #10
Old Year's Night

Today, being the day before New Year's Day, is New Year's Eve. Wikipedia says that New Year's Eve is also called Old Year's Night. My resolutions for the year are these:

Quit smoking
Stop drinking so much
Lose weight
Get buff
Be a better person

It always seems like people talk about "how great this year was" and "how much greater next year will be." Well I DON'T want next year to great. If you expect each year to be better than the next, and it does, in fact, get better each year, then soon it'll be too hard to have next year be better. There's a limit on how much great can be stuffed in one year. You're just setting yourself up for disappointed. You've just got to accept that some years aren't going to be filled with skydiving and threesomes and animal sacrifices. Stop being such a baby.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Today #9

Today #9
Profile Pic

Today, being an unspecific day, the most important things in my life are:

I just got Skype
I might change my Facebook profile picture to a Pokémon
I will be going to bed before 4:00 for the first time in almost two weeks (this is actually a lie; it's actually only before 2:00, but that doesn't sound as dramatic)
Those items included in Yesterday #2

Yesterday #2
Could Also Be Named a List

Found out we have a tart pan (after YEARS of thinking we didn't have one)
Did not test positive for leprosy
Rhino either pooped or puked in the hallway to Brendan's room; OH SNAP! (This actually happened a few days ago and not yesterday)
Watched a TED video about a guy that used a Wii remote to make a interactive whiteboard

Since when did I get so boring?
Oh, wait; it's always been like this.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Link #1

Link #1

Probably the most brilliant videos in the world.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Story #2

Story #2
3 Days in Heaven

You spend your whole life following the Bible, condemning homosexuals and abortion and alcohol and swearing and pagans and masturbation and happiness, and then you die. When you resume consciousness, you are in Heaven. But so are the Hendersons, who only go to church once a year for Easter. And the Donovans, who let their children dye their hair green and have only been to church a dozen times. They claim to be "agnoistic" or some New Age bullshit.

"This isn't fair," you say. "I gave my entire life serving the Lord," making sure everyone can hear that you are capitalizing Lord, even in speech, "and these half-hearted heathens get to Experience the Eternal Life of Heaven just as much?" You make sure you get in all the other capital letters, too, for good measure.

On the first day, you take your time to enjoy the wonders of Heaven. You come across a tiki bar made of bamboo among the fields of clouds and the bartender is wearing nothing but a vest and bowtie. He is selling piña coladas for smiles. You ask for a virgin piña coladas but he tells you that they don't make those in Heaven. At first you are reluctant, but then you trust that God wouldn't tempt you in Heaven. However, after your first sip, you begin to worry and put down the drink. You curtly thank the man and head off to the cafeteria. There, you find a few others to eat lunch and compare your numbers: hours spent volunteering at the church, number of heathens converted, dishes contributed to church potlucks, percent of salary donated to the church. You have the highest in every category by far.

On the second day, you walk to the beach, into an alpine meadow, across the desert, and through salt flats, ice fields, farmland, and rain forests. That night, you watch the Aurora Borealis after the most brilliant sunset you've ever seen. Or maybe it's the Aurora Australis. You're not quite sure because you don't know if Heaven has North and South.

On the third day, you schedule a meeting with God. He's pretty chill. He tells you that you should have finished the piña colada. Then he tells you that you can do whatever, really. Skateboarding or making some ceramic bowls or reading comic books; it's up to you. So you do all of those things and enjoy yourself.

At the end of the third day, you are very happy and content and are looking forward to an eternity in this place. You're still pretty bitter that almost everyone gets in and a little upset that God is telling you that everyone is equal and deserves to be loved, but figure you'll convince him otherwise in the morning. And then everything around you melts away.

Panicking, you look around a see a man wearing a long coat standing a few feet away. You ask him what's going on and he tells you that you are only allowed in Heaven for three days. Then they have to move you somewhere or else things would get too crowded. You spend the rest of eternity in Limbo--or some place like it--and think back to your boring life and the three days it led up to. Three magnificent days filled with freedom and fun which you will never again get to experience.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Scenario #2

Scenario #2
It's Raining Men

We are walking outside in front of Burton-Judson Courts to go to dinner at the South Campus Dining Hall. The sky is overcast and we hear the oncoming sound of a helicopter. This is not uncommon, as we leave near a hospital. I feel a drop of liquid on my head and say aloud, "Oh! I think it's starting to rain." Instinctively, I touch the spot on my head where the liquid fell. When I look at my hand, however, I see that the spot is all red. A few more drops fall from the sky and wet the ground, and when we look at the drops on the sidewalk, we see that they are also red.

Suddenly, a large object falls out of the sky at an alarming speed and smashed into the ground. Red liquid bursts everywhere and there is an audible crunch. A group of girls walking opposite us huddle together and scream at the sight of the obliterated corpse of a man on the sidewalk, ten feet in front of them. Behind us, we hear another loud crack and turn to see another body. And then to our left, another body falls, and then two more in the same general area, all safely avoiding the terrified onlookers. There is much screaming, and much blood everywhere, but I can't help but humming to myself, "It's raining men. Hallelujah, it's raining men! Amen!"

List #3
My New Friends

-Mister Baldie
-Miss Tootsie
-Misses Tootsie
-Señor Bigsby
-Bigsby Junior
-Mister Wombat
-Mister Winkie
-Mister Tensies

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Today #8

Today #8
Man Spends a Quarter of a Day in Kitchen

Today, being the Saturday of 7th week, I spent 6 hours in the kitchen (7:00pm to 1:00am). In fact, I am in the kitchen as I am writing this. What was made:

-fresh pasta with basic white sauce
-cinnamon rolls
-the crust of what will soon be apple-cranberry galettes

It seems like three things should not take six hours to make (including cleaning time and waiting time and eating time), but it did. Which brings me to my next point of business:

List #2
Things That Should Not Take Six Hours

-a blowjob (unless it's with Hugh Jackman)
-pooping (unless you're dying as you defecate)
-taking out the trash (unless you're actually having an affair)
-thinking of what should not take six hours (unless you're me)
-a staring contest (unless both parties are REALLY good at not blinking, such as two posters on opposite sides of the room)
-tying your shoes (unless you've had too much to drink)
-building a city (unless it's with LEGO)
-a hug (unless you can't let go because you're tied up)

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Recipe #2

Recipe #2
Puffed Apple Pancake

... because I made it today for Apple Battle and was reminded of breakfast with the family. Recipe from Mom. It should look something like this, only not as pretty and more delicious.


4 eggs
3/4 cup flour
3/4 cup milk
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup butter or margarine
2 apples
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

Heat oven to 400 degrees F. Place two round, 9-inch layer pans or a 9x13 casserole dish in the oven as it heats. Beat eggs, flour, milk, and salt in small mixing bowl for one minute, by hand or on medium speed with an electric mixer. Remove pans from oven and place two tablespoons butter in each pan, or all four in casserole dish; rotate until butter is melted and coats sides of pans. Arrange half the apple slices in each pan and divide batter evenly between pans. Mix sugar and cinnamon and sprinkle two tablespoons sugar mixture over batter in each pan. Bake uncovered until puffed and golden brown, 20-25 minutes.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Today #7

Today #7
Spanish Competency

Today, being the day on which I wrote what is to follow in a notebook, I took the Spanish competency test. Today is also the day I began my new notebook. It is a small, marble memo notebook. Dimensions: 4.5 x 3.5 in (or 114 x 82 mm if you worship Satan). This is my first and currently only entry, written backwards with 2H, 0.5 graphite, completely unchanged except for spelling, at which I am very poor:

12 Oct 09
5:40 pm: I enter Classics room 111 for my Spanish proficiency test. The test begins at 5:45, but I got here a few minutes early. There are three others in the room and one lone backpack, and we all avoid looking at each other. Or, at least, I am doing so. I like the thought that, since we are all here for this Spanish test, we could all carry out a "competent-level" conversation in Spanish, but, of cousre, doing so would be the worst thing in any of our lives, so we will continue to shift our eyes around the room.

The woman, while checking to see if we were all signed up, tells me I am not on the list. I trust her, yet I explain to her why I should be on the list, namely because my advisor said he signed me up (this was done over the phone) and because I got all the reminder e-mails.
*Sign up for oral exam in Gates-Blake between rooms 211 and 212 before Oct 21st*
The boy sitting adjacent to me is bouncing his leg and is making the whole table move. He has stopped.

He drew a star on the piece of paper in front of him. He wears glasses and a wispy beard, as well as a white jacket made out of the material that fencing jackets are made of.
7:54 pm: The boy next to me was sick and kept coughing all over the place. He asked to borrow my eraser and then proceeded to hoard it for the rest of the test. As usual, I was the second-last to finish and I ran out of time. I can hear and speak Spanish fine, writing it takes some time, and reading it is disastrous. In the end, the woman said

she found my name on the list. I wasn't expecting the test to take this long, so I missed dinner. I was supposed to eat with Kat, Mike, Hervé, and Sarah. There is music being performed/practiced nearby and it sounds very nice. I will not investigate. The readings for the test were about how laughing is good for you, Lent, the anniversary of some TV character, and a Cuban music group that plays in Chicago sometimes. To the question "Why don't we laugh as much anymore?" I wrote, "George Bush," because I

sometimes think I'm funny.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Scenario #1

Scenario #1

Man walks into McDonalds.
Man asks woman working at counter for churros. Woman has irregular mole below left eye.
Woman says to man, "I'm sorry, we don't sell churros at McDonalds. I'm pretty sure they have them at Taco Time next door."
Man's face contorts.
Man yells to woman, "Give me some fucking churros!" Man is wearing ugly, navy, acrylic jacket.
Woman looks frightened.
Woman says to man, "I'm sorry! We don't even have the supplies to make any churros!"
Man pulls out gun.
Man says calmly, "Give me a churro or I'm going to **** you." People are watching as if watching movie.
Man kills woman and then goes to Taco Time.
Woman wakes up to the smell of burning churros at local Taco Time. Woman sees burning churros and eats one while smiling. Woman is very happy right now, but not because woman is alive. Woman smiles because woman loves churros.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Today #6

Today #6
Tyme for Dreams!

Today, being the second day of classes, I went to the Dollar Store (in which 90% of the inventory was over $1) with Lexie, Brisinda, and Kathy. On the way, I decided what I want to do with the rest of my life, and what I want to do with the rest of my life is this:

I want to be wizard that creates magic dusts that do to the mind what Dance Dance Revolution does to the body. By utilizing viruses, bacteria, and fungi, I will make lots of people and animals go happy happy doodoo with Fun Tyme in the Mynd. Brisinda the Dream Ruiner says that these would be pathagens and would eventually kill me, but as we all know, Dream Ruiners only say what they do because of their own sexual insecurities.

I would like to think of myself as the Wizard of All That Is Wonderful. I would dress in a blue robe and hat with stars, and I would carry all sorts of pouches filled with my marvelous powders. I would prance up to squirrels and then I would say to the squirrels, "Hello, my friend! Tyme for Dreams!" I'd open a pouch, get a pinch of dust, and then sprinkle it on the squirrel. If the powder were seafoam green, maybe the squirrel would chase its tail for a while, pee itself, and then fall over and hyperventilate. Just like the squirrel I saw the other day. Imagine how much fun that squirrel must be having!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

List #1

List #1
Items of 29 September 2009

Jamie Bell


Difference Between Muskmelon and Cantaloupe
From Wikipedia
Muskmelon (Cucumis melo 'reticulatus') is commonly known in the trade as a cantaloupe. However, no cantaloupes are actually grown commercially in the United States, only muskmelons. Cantaloupes (Cucumis melo 'cantaloupensis') are a rough warty fruit while muskmelon have the characteristic netting on the fruit rind.
A Few Recipe Websites

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Opera #1

Opera #1
Birthday Sex

"This is your birthday song,
it isn't very long!"

Recently #2
FroYo and Hotties

I'm not even sure how to talk about the recent stuff; it's all been a wild blaze of sweat, blood, and semen. I got FroYo today with Vincent house. FroYo and Bubble Tea are currently on the top of my favorites list. Same with winking. I thought everyone at UChicago was going to be super ugg, but this place has its hotties for sure. Time to go do laundry.

Shout Out #1
Girly Whirlies


Monday, September 14, 2009

Recently #1

Recently #1
Otherwise Called List #1

Recently, I've:

-made a sponge cake and cupcakes with only a wire whisk (includes whipped cream and frosting)
-wrote "maked a sponge cake and cupcakes..."
-been kept awake by loud sex
-bought cute underwear (red briefs)
-gained 5 lbs.
-gone sailing
-spent six hours out of the last thirty four hours sleeping
-had my flight canceled
-"slept" in O'Hare airport
-had my luggage lost
-drawn four masterpieces
-made a mixed CD
-had bunches of bubble tea

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Today #5

Today #5
Last Supper

Today, being the second to last day before I run away from home, was my Last Supper. I will be crucified tomorrow. I insisted that I would make everything, so we had homemade ravioli filled with wild rice and cranberries, topped with a walnut butter sauce. For dessert: cheesecake with fresh strawberry sauce. The cheesecake was great. The ravioli was a disaster. The rice was undercooked, the cranberries were too sweet, I forgot the walnuts in the filling, and the parmesan cooked too much in the butter sauce. Plus, I started very late so we didn't eat until about 9:00. Being an angsty teen, I was in a foul mood the whole time I was cooking, so by the end I just wanted to scarf down my food and rush off to bed where I could mope in the dark. Some Last Supper. I didn't even get a guy to kiss my cheek.

But who wants to hear about crap like that? Here is the funny situation I made up in my head.

Scenario #1
Chicken Butt

Nick: "Hey guys, guess what!"
Others: "What?"
Nick: "No, you have to guess."
Others: "Uhhh, you bought a cookbook."
Nick: "Nope, try again."
Others: "Youuu... drew a picture?"
Nick: "Close."
Others: "God, you're so annoying. Just tell us."
Nick: "Chicken butt!"
Others: "..."
Nick: "..."
Others: "Wait, is that all?"
Nick: "Yep." /walks off into the horizon/

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Last Night #1

Last Night #1
I'm Stupid

Last night, being between the hours that were dark yesterday evening and this morning, I slept over at Samantha's house. We spent almost 2 hours at IGA trying to get Nathalie fired. Because when you're fired, people get to throw rotten tomatoes at you as they taunt you about your unemployment. I slept about 3 hours that night because Samantha kept talking in her sleep. "Tah dah!," she would say--and even once, "I'm stupid." That's all. Oh, and I have a cold/sore throat. The Nyquil I took for the first time ever did not help very much.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Poem #3

Because this is a smoking hot blog and I am a smoking hot blogger, I listen to fan requests. The votes are in, and it looks like it's time for another poem. Is is a sequel to Poem #1 entitled Poem #3: Poem #1, part b.

Poem #3
Poem #3: Poem #1, part b
By: Nicholas Cassleman

I was saggy today
So I wrote a poem about it.
Then I cried because I like crying because love attention.
Poems make me feel hot and heavy.
I wish I were Cloyster
Because Cloyster is the vagina Pokémon.
Like Edward.
What a pussy.

The end.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Yesterday #1

Yesterday #1
Developing a Taste for Shit

Yesterday, being the day before today, I ate a yellow cherry tomato and almost threw up. As I was telling my friend Jessica, "Jessica, you are a complete failure that is going to end up on the streets, pregnant, dealing cocaine. I'm just going to have to get use to the fact that, for me, eating salads is like eating shit. I know you have to 'develop a taste' for things like beer, so i guess I'm just going to have to develop a taste for shit."

Incidentally, Jessica promised me to name her first child Tase, in honor of Tase T. Lentil.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Story #1

While shelving picture books at the library, I saw a book called Anansi Goes Fishing, and it inspired me to write the following story:

Story #1
Anansi Goes Phishing
By: Nicholas Cassleman

One day, Anansi learned about phishing. The next day, Anansi learned to phish. The day after that, he phished the usernames, passwords, credit card and social security numbers of all the animals in the jungle, and the day after that he used this information to buy a ticket to America.

On the fifth day of the week and his first day in America, Anansi learned about pornography. On the sixth day of the week, Anansi learned about child pornography. On the final day of the week, Anansi learned how to create child pornography.

The next week, Anansi began to create child pornography. He phished all sorts of information from MySpace and found the locations of all sorts of slutty little girls. On the second day of the second week, Anansi arrived at a 13-year-old girl's house. Her name was Isabella. On the first day of the rest of Anansi's grand life as a producer of child pornography, during the filming of his first amateur video, he was stepped on by the 13-year-old girl named Isabella.

The end.

Today #4

Today #4
Phallic Digimon

Today, being a few minutes into Monday, August 31, I prevented myself from getting into an argument on a forum. I think I deserve a round of applause and a gold membership to the gym. This would have been my response.

The question isn't whether Pokémon are more idyllic, it is whether Pokémon are more phallic. To which I would say, "Clearly Digimon are more phallic." Or at least more homoerotic. Tai + Matt = one hot sex tape. Incidentally, you're a concubine and your mother is a man. Please fall into a hole. "The Pokemon franchise first came onto the scene on February 27th, 1996 BLAH BLAH BLAH I'M A BIG FAT LEZZIE." You clearly know nothing about dates.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Today #3

Today #3
Whoring Magpies

Today, being the last Sunday of the month and a week before going to acupuncture school, I am cleaning my room. It relieves negative chi. This is a challenge because I am a magpie. I like hoarding things. And whoring things. But not actually. (About the hoarding.)

In any case, I hope my plane crashes on the way to Chicago because then I would never again have to read the terrible poems I found in my journals. On a positive note, I did find an entry of a dream I was looking for. It was about a magic box, teleportation, skeleton keys, and a whole lot of dildos (dildoes?). I also found a delightful poem written called To the Roaring Wind by Wallace Stevens.


Poem #2
To the Roaring Wind
By: Wallace Stevens

What syllable are you seeking,
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.

I feel better about throwing it away now that I have it written down on the Internet where I can find it.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Today #2

Today #2

Today, being a day that I had dinner, I ate tamales. I put some Dave's Insanity Sauce on them. In the process of doing so, I got some on my finger. I then touched my eye with the hawt sauce finger.

Incidentally, why do people pretend hawt food isn't hawt when they eat it?

Today, being a day I worked at the library, I heard some bratty kids pronounce pollo (Spanish for chicken) as pah-loh. They came up with some clever ways to ask their mom to make them chicken for dinner that night. "Gimmie some pah-loh, slut." "Daddy wants some pah-loh." "Is that a pah-loh in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" Ages: 8 to 9.

Recipe #1

Recipe #1
Lemon-Lime Curd

Citation, blah blah blah.

Get 3 or 4 egg yolks, like after making meringue or something. Put them into a mixing bowl or the top part of a double boiler with the juice of one lemon and one lime. Put this the bowl or the double boiler top a saucepan filled with boiling water, set on medium-low heat setting; the bottom of the little pan shouldn't be touching the water, the steam provides the heat. Heat while stirring constantly to temper the egg yolk. If you heat it too fast, then the egg will cook, which is one of the most disgusting things in the world, next to Brendan's face. Add about 6 tablespoons of sugar--or, really, however much you'd like--one by one, letting the sugar dissolve after each addition. Finally, add 4 tablespoons of butter in pieces, again mixing until combined each time. Continue cooking until the curd thickens, but not too much since it further settles while cooling. When you pull a spoon through it, a trail showing the bottom of the bowl should appear for only a brief moment before being covered again by incoming curd. Put it through a strainer if you'd like.

You can use this curd for anything you'd like. I like using it as a sexual lubricant and as a facial cleanser at night, but I guess you could put it on toast or have it with cottage cheese (this was Jessica's idea--I hate cottage cheese). (Actually, I've never had cottage cheese.) It kind of just tastes like the stuff you buy from the store, only you can add more or less sugar and butter if you'd like. Or maybe add a little hot sauce or saliva to surprise a friend.

Poem #1

Poem #1
Poem #1
By: Nicholas Cassleman

I was sad today
So I wrote a poem about it.
Then I cried because I like crying about sad poems.
Poems make me feel deep.
I wish I were a vampire.
Like Edward.
What if Edward had sex with me?

The end.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Today #1

Today #1

Today, being Wednesday, August 26th--the time, 21:16 on my computer clock, which is the same as 9:16 pm in real people time--it is dark outside and someone says they saw a cougar near my neighborhood. I think they are full of shit. I also used to think neighbor was spelled nabor.

Oh, and by the way, I inserted a virus into this blog so that it automatically becomes your homepage. And if you try to leave this page, it will pop up three more times. And if you try to close one of the pop ups, three more will appear. Just like a trashy porn site.

Blah blah blah, something about Latin, blah blah blah. Post meridiem. Meridius. I changed some stuff.