Story #1

While shelving picture books at the library, I saw a book called Anansi Goes Fishing, and it inspired me to write the following story:

Story #1
Anansi Goes Phishing
By: Nicholas Cassleman

One day, Anansi learned about phishing. The next day, Anansi learned to phish. The day after that, he phished the usernames, passwords, credit card and social security numbers of all the animals in the jungle, and the day after that he used this information to buy a ticket to America.

On the fifth day of the week and his first day in America, Anansi learned about pornography. On the sixth day of the week, Anansi learned about child pornography. On the final day of the week, Anansi learned how to create child pornography.

The next week, Anansi began to create child pornography. He phished all sorts of information from MySpace and found the locations of all sorts of slutty little girls. On the second day of the second week, Anansi arrived at a 13-year-old girl's house. Her name was Isabella. On the first day of the rest of Anansi's grand life as a producer of child pornography, during the filming of his first amateur video, he was stepped on by the 13-year-old girl named Isabella.

The end.

Today #4

Today #4

Phallic Digimon

Today, being a few minutes into Monday, August 31, I prevented myself from getting into an argument on a forum. I think I deserve a round of applause and a gold membership to the gym. This would have been my response.

The question isn't whether Pokémon are more idyllic, it is whether Pokémon are more phallic. To which I would say, "Clearly Digimon are more phallic." Or at least more homoerotic. Tai + Matt = one hot sex tape. Incidentally, you're a concubine and your mother is a man. Please fall into a hole. "The Pokemon franchise first came onto the scene on February 27th, 1996 BLAH BLAH BLAH I'M A BIG FAT LEZZIE." You clearly know nothing about dates.

Today #3

Today #3
Whoring Magpies

Today, being the last Sunday of the month and a week before going to acupuncture school, I am cleaning my room. It relieves negative chi. This is a challenge because I am a magpie. I like hoarding things. And whoring things. But not actually. (About the hoarding.)

In any case, I hope my plane crashes on the way to Chicago because then I would never again have to read the terrible poems I found in my journals. On a positive note, I did find an entry of a dream I was looking for. It was about a magic box, teleportation, skeleton keys, and a whole lot of dildos (dildoes?). I also found a delightful poem written called To the Roaring Wind by Wallace Stevens.

Hence:

Poem #2
To the Roaring Wind
By: Wallace Stevens

What syllable are you seeking,
Vocalissimus
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.

I feel better about throwing it away now that I have it written down on the Internet where I can find it.

Today #2

Today #2

Pah-loh

Today, being a day that I had dinner, I ate tamales. I put some Dave's Insanity Sauce on them. In the process of doing so, I got some on my finger. I then touched my eye with the hawt sauce finger.

Incidentally, why do people pretend hawt food isn't hawt when they eat it?

Today, being a day I worked at the library, I heard some bratty kids pronounce pollo (Spanish for chicken) as pah-loh. They came up with some clever ways to ask their mom to make them chicken for dinner that night. "Gimmie some pah-loh, slut." "Daddy wants some pah-loh." "Is that a pah-loh in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" Ages: 8 to 9.

Recipe #1

Recipe #1
Lemon-Lime Curd

Citation, blah blah blah.

Get 3 or 4 egg yolks, like after making meringue or something. Put them into a mixing bowl or the top part of a double boiler with the juice of one lemon and one lime. Put this the bowl or the double boiler top a saucepan filled with boiling water, set on medium-low heat setting; the bottom of the little pan shouldn't be touching the water, the steam provides the heat. Heat while stirring constantly to temper the egg yolk. If you heat it too fast, then the egg will cook, which is one of the most disgusting things in the world, next to Brendan's face. Add about 6 tablespoons of sugar--or, really, however much you'd like--one by one, letting the sugar dissolve after each addition. Finally, add 4 tablespoons of butter in pieces, again mixing until combined each time. Continue cooking until the curd thickens, but not too much since it further settles while cooling. When you pull a spoon through it, a trail showing the bottom of the bowl should appear for only a brief moment before being covered again by incoming curd. Put it through a strainer if you'd like.

You can use this curd for anything you'd like. I like using it as a sexual lubricant and as a facial cleanser at night, but I guess you could put it on toast or have it with cottage cheese (this was Jessica's idea--I hate cottage cheese). (Actually, I've never had cottage cheese.) It kind of just tastes like the stuff you buy from the store, only you can add more or less sugar and butter if you'd like. Or maybe add a little hot sauce or saliva to surprise a friend.

Poem #1

Poem #1
Poem #1
By: Nicholas Cassleman

I was sad today
So I wrote a poem about it.
Then I cried because I like crying about sad poems.
Poems make me feel deep.
I wish I were a vampire.
Like Edward.
What if Edward had sex with me?

The end.

Today #1

Today #1

FREE PRON HERE!!! XXX, ONLY $19.99 A MONTH! 5 OTHER FREE SITES!!!!!

Today, being Wednesday, August 26th--the time, 21:16 on my computer clock, which is the same as 9:16 pm in real people time--it is dark outside and someone says they saw a cougar near my neighborhood. I think they are full of shit. I also used to think neighbor was spelled nabor.

Oh, and by the way, I inserted a virus into this blog so that it automatically becomes your homepage. And if you try to leave this page, it will pop up three more times. And if you try to close one of the pop ups, three more will appear. Just like a trashy porn site.

Blah blah blah, something about Latin, blah blah blah. Post meridiem. Meridius. I changed some stuff.